FRAGMENTOS DE DIARIOS DE LANA

[Viene de Lana: el comedor de Mamá Rosa]

FRAGMENTOS DE DIARIOS DE LANA (1985-1992)

[1985] Cuaderno cosido Norma. Forro de plástico con patrón de tartán azul oscuro y negro.

We arrived in Cali on Saturday. 

In the airplane Joseph Castillo, my father, told me that:

He hopes I like the city because the weather is very nice year round.

At the beginning I am going to live with his step mother, who is a really good person, in her house, and that I will use his room. The room that was his when he moved to Colombia with his father and Rosa.

I have to win his step mother’s heart by learning how to dance, because that is how we can communicate better.

I have to be polite to my uncle Alvaro and his wife Beatriz, and their son Lorenzo, my cousin. I think this means I have to talk to them as little as I can. And I have to avoid talking about my mother.

I have to start learning Spanish as soon as possible. Joseph said he will ask a friend of his to teach me.

I also have to try all the food they offer me, he says that that is being polite here.

I wonder if these were the instructions he received from his father when he came to Colombia. This sounds to me like a survival manual. But Joseph is not a dancer, he plays elegant music. Maybe playing a fancy instrument is better than dancing. Since I do not know anything about music I am okay with learning how to dance. It must be easy.

*

Joseph’s step mother asked me to call her Mamá Rosa. Joseph says she said that she understands English, but cannot speak it. I can speak English to her and she will answer in Spanish. I think this means I have to talk little to her too.

*

TOP TEN OF COLOMBIAN FOOD (SO FAR)

10. Garbanzos

9. Sancocho

8. Archuchas

7. Lentejas

6. Blanquillos

5. Huevos pericos

4. Chuleta de cerdo

3. Chuleta de pollo

2. Arroz con pollo

1. Empanadas

White rice I don’t count because here they have it every day, it’s nothing special, nothing I have the chance to crave.

Things I refused to try:

Champús

Chontaduro

Rellena (guts filled with rice and blood)

Lengua (tongue)

Mondongo (guts)

Ubre de vaca (Cow’s tits)

Criadillas (Bull’s testes)

I haven’t seen cattle in real life, and I think that if I do, it would be less likely that I try innards and that other stuff.

[1986] Cuaderno cosido Norma, forrado con papel regalo de flores pequeñas.

My Spanish teacher’s name is Liliana. I saw Joseph kissing her when they thought I was in my room. She is very nice to me. I hope they get married and have children soon. I want siblings.

*

I saw Joseph kissing another woman. So maybe there won't be a wedding or any siblings anytime soon, as Joseph hasn't introduced this lady to me yet.

*

Dancing is very tiring, but while I dance I don’t have to talk to anyone about anything. I don’t fill the time with words. People are nice to me explaining what I need to do.

*

I have to smile a lot when I don’t want to.

*

There was a natural disaster in a place far from here, where a volcano erupted or something. On the news they showed a girl who had been in the water for days. Omaira Sánchez is her name. I heard that it had been difficult to rescue her because someone, a parent maybe, a relative, was holding her legs. I don’t know if that was to save her, keep her up, keep her above water, or what. But, I wonder, if Joseph or someone else would have tried to save me if we were caught in a natural disaster like that.

[1987] Cuaderno cosido Norma. Jean Book.

A classmate of mine who is very nice to me told me that at the ciclovía someone asked “¿Nos masturbamos?” I asked Mamá Rosa about that, and she bought me a book about Educación sexual, all in Spanish and with black-and-white drawings.

I laughed inside because at the library in Chicago, I had seen color pictures of body parts that were more informative than that book. 

*

I got my period for the first time today. I was waiting for it since I read about it in the Sex Education book. Mamá Rosa took me to eat out and promised to take me shopping for new clothes when it was over. I did not think bleeding was that special.

[1988] Cuaderno cosido Norma. Jean Book.

Yo creo Liliana ya no está con Joseph. Pero es todavía mi tutora. Me regaló un libro. Momo por Michael Ende. Ella no pronuncia el nombre del autor en inglés. Y se siente más bonito como ella lo dice. She says it’s the story of an orphan girl who is kind of adopted by a community. I want to read it. This is a book in translation. It was originally written in German. But Liliana says that the translation is Castilian. That means it is in Spanish from Spain, not Latin America, and she recommended that I read the book with Joseph.

*

Cuando nos conocimos, Joseph me prometió que vamos a leer juntos y ha cumplido, pero normalmente leemos en inglés. Esta es la primera vez que nosotros leemos una novela completa en español. It took us two months to finish the book, porque Joseph durmió muchas veces a mitad de capítulos, pero finalmente terminamos. I think reading with me something he is not interested in is Joseph’s way to show he cares about me, that he loves me. It must have been difficult for him, because he almost translated the whole thing to me. And he complained about the translation. I think he does not like the Spanish form España. Translating most of the book wasn't necessary, but I let Joseph do it so we could spend more time together.

Momo was a beautiful story about listening to others and being a true friend, even when no one cares about you anymore. Saber escuchar es sabiduría, dice Liliana.

La historia interminable por el mismo autor de Momo también tiene un huérfano. Liliana dice que el protagonista es un niño que no tiene mamá. Quiero leer ese libro también.

[1989] Cuaderno cosido Norma. Jean Book.

“Hincaste el pie”, me dijo Theresa. ¿Qué es eso?, le pregunté y me dijo “metiste la pata”. I still don’t understand the expressions, but they mean that I made a mistake. And a mistake it was, but I would rather think of it as an accident. Theresa me dijo que baje las escaleras con cuidado y no la escuché y golpee mi tobillo tres veces en cada escalón antes de caer en el piso. Mamá Rosa me llevó a la Clínica de fracturas y ahí me immobilizaron el pie con yeso. Quiero aprovechar el accidente para anunciar que no voy a volver al grupo de danza. Pero no sé cómo decirlo a Mamá Rosa. Prefiero usar el tiempo para aprender más español y entender las expresiones de Theresa. No me gusta sentirme ignorante. Voy a hablar con Joseph para que Liliana me dé más clases ahora que voy a estar incapacitada por dos semanas.

*

Liliana dice que mi amiga Theresa es una chica traviesa. Que usa expresiones arcaicas, obsoletas, es decir, que ya nadie usa, o coloquiales, que es como habla la gente en la calle, o la gente de “bajos recursos”. Eso confirma que necesito aprender más español, porque no entiendo muchas cosas que Theresa dice y qué tal que ella se burle de mí y yo no me dé cuenta. No creo que Theresa es así, pero no quiero que la gente hable con dos sentidos y yo no entienda.

*

Dad. Dad. Dad. Joseph is my dad. This is something I could understand only today because I was afraid of losing him.

My dad came to see me in the morning at Mamá Rosa’s, where I am staying while my left foot recovers. Me dijo que tenía que hablar con Natalia y se fue. Al mediodía ella me llamó llorando y dijo que él estaba bien. Que si escuchaba la noticia de un carro-bomba por su casa no me preocupara porque Joseph estaba bien. Pero cómo no me voy a preocupar cuando ella está llorando en el teléfono?

Durante las últimas pocas semanas he recordado a la niña del desastre natural de Armero, por las noticias sobre la actividad del volcán Galeras. Y pensaba si Joseph me cuidara en un desástrofe así. Pero hoy, con el carro bomba sé que él es el que puede estar en peligro y me pregunté si yo lo ayudaría en un momento difícil. Y digo que sí porque lo extrañaría mucho si no está. I came to realize that I like my dad, and I love him, and I don’t want to lose him.

[1990] Cuaderno cosido de papel crema, forrado en tela de algodón con patrón de colcha de flores pequeñas blancas y rosadas. 

Mi amiga Verónica contó que tuvo relaciones sexuales con su novio porque escuchó que su hermano quería venderle su virginidad a un traqueto. ¿Qué tipo de hermano hace eso? The perks of not having a brother. I get to decide how I want my cherry popped.

*

I saw Margret dressed as a man today. As Julian, her legal self. And I was shocked. What a hunk. Well, I had seen that when I saw him/her in baby-doll pajamas, but there is another layer of masculinity when he/she dresses manly that even a ponytail cannot remove. And I was wondering if dressing like a woman one day and like a man the next is an act of hypocrisy. And I think it is not. Because he/she does that to help others better. It is a sacrifice for others’ sake. Maybe if he went to work dressed as a woman, he would be sent to cataloging, away from library users, so he would not be available for those who need him. And also, maybe some people wouldn’t let him help them.

I keep seeing Margret as a man. And it makes me feel ashamed, because it means that I cannot accept this person as she wants to be. I would like to be touched by a man like Julian, with his manly voice. Not by Margret, with the soft touch she uses on Cassandra’s hair, the care in feeding her a bite of food at the table, or the frivolous voice in which she said that she would stay with Mr Lynn, when we discussed the end of Fire and Hemlock.

Here is the difference between loving someone and liking someone. Cassandra loves Margret. I only like her (or him, the self she does not want to be. How complicated.)

I admire how Cassandra protects Margret, giving her room to be herself, and sheltering her from others' judgment. Cassandra and Margret deserve each other. What they do in their community to protect vulnerable people is something I admire, and I would like to do the same. I would like to be like them.

I cannot tell my dad that Margret went to Ascension St. Joseph to see their friend who is dying of AIDS related illnesses. He would not let me see Margret again.

What would I do? Would I visit a gay friend on his deathbed, knowing he is dying with AIDS? A bedridden person, yes, I would visit, but AIDS?

I do not know.

PS: Margret didn’t greet me in her European fashion today. Is that also part of her performance as a man? I would rather think this is the case, and not that she has realized that I had a crush on her.

*

Cassandra asked me if I wanted to see my mother. She said she could help me see her if I wanted to. I said I am not ready, and Cassandra hugged me. And that hug was the most heartwarming thing in my life because I felt she wasn't judging me for not wanting to see my mother.

*

Esa noche, llamé a Joseph para que me recogiera porque no quería quedarme más en casa de Mamá Rosa. Le dije lo que pasó y él me dijo que iba inmediatamente por mí. Yo escuché a Mamá Rosa pedirle que no me llevara, que ella ya le había dicho a Lorenzo que no podía volver. Y Joseph le preguntó por qué había hecho eso, si Lorenzo era su verdadero nieto. Y yo creo que a Mamá Rosa se le partió el corazón, porque ella no distingue entre su hijo verdadero y el que no. Su nieto verdadero y la que no. Me molesta que Joseph no entiende que Mamá Rosa me protege por ser mujer primero y por ser su nieta en segundo lugar.

Por estos días Joseph está sobreprotector conmigo, pero eso se le va a pasar rápido, como el año pasado, cuando dañé mi pie y pasó lo del carro-bomba, que estuvo muy pendiente de mí por un tiempo antes de volver a salir con amigas.

Yo ahora extraño a mi abuela, porque para mí ella siempre será mi abuela, aunque no sea la mamá biológica de mi papá. Quiero volver a su casa. A mí me gusta vivir como lo he hecho hasta ahora, la mitad del mes con Joseph, la otra mitad con Mamá Rosa. Le da un respiro a mi papá y yo le hago compañía a Mamá Rosa.

[1992] Agenda de hojas azules, forrada en cuero azul turquí.

Joseph tiene una forma de dañarme el día que no soporto. Si él me usa para hacer reír a los demás, a mí no me importa, pero que se ría de mis amigas es algo que no puedo tolerar. Hizo que la familia se riera, llamando a Margret travesti, como si fuera una Drag Queen, que exagera los rasgos femeninos para divertir a los demás.

Yo llamé a Joseph acomplejado, porque creo que es cierto, pero debí llamarlo hipócrita. Porque eso es lo que es. No sé por qué toca en una orquesta sinfónica, cuando lo que realmente quisiera es tocar en una banda de jazz o en otra cosa con menos glamour. Se viste de músico de escuela para que los demás lo acepten. No es ayudar a los demás su motivación. Es un egoísta.

Y me puse a pensar que ya Clarisse debe estar hablando un poquito y no sé cómo ella llama a Margret. Pero no me animo a preguntar porque me parece grosero y ofensivo, y me da miedo que mis amigas se den cuenta de que lo que quiero saber es si le están enseñando a la niña a mentir.

[Sigue Lana: la casa de Marietta]